Standing on the outside

Hello,
My name is Dotti. I have an Associate degree in Criminal Justice. I live with Head trauma Injury for short is TBI. Also with Head Trauma Amnesia. Due to my head injuries I have difficulty in learning and remembering, also live with Dyslexia some other learning disabilities. It all began when I was around six or seven years old. My mind don't work as fast as I like too. For me I have to work harder to accomplish my goals and dreams.

I am a Christian. I like to sew and work on my crafts and write. I am working on my book on my biography of my childhood life living in my home with parents with dysfunctional family. First time I was abused was on Christmas Eve of 1963. I was six years old. It is not important of the people who has abused me as a child because I have forgiven them. I am trying to live by fighting to survive. See, because of the Head trauma Injuries, life has been so hard for me. Living at home growing up it was like walking on glass, I always have lived in fear, afraid to say anything for the fear of getting hurt. I know God has been with me through all this. Opportunities for me don't come as it may come easy for others who don't live with family secrets.

It took me a long time and hard work to earn my high school diploma and Associate degree because of my learning disabilities. I do not let my disabilities hold me back or my memories of my childhood years of abuse run my life. It hurts when family member shows me photo's of family photo's and I am not included in the photo. I have learn to accept it because it has been like that all my life since my childhood years. God has been so good to me and he knows my struggles, knows the baggage I carried on my shoulders. It has taken a lot of work on my part with the help of counseling to learn to get pass my fears and memories of my childhood years.

I write poems and I am a blogger. I have worked in a nursing home for some years up to my car accident. Night I was coming home from work after working a double shift I was hit by a drunk and driver who was celebrating his twenty first birthday. From the accident I have injured my back and had two back surgeries and because of my back injuries I could no longer work and I could not sue the young man because he was on welfare.

See, I don't take life as a grain of salt. I had nobody there for me, nobody I could turn to, accept God. He lead me through the most difficult times of my life. He knows my struggles and he knows what I deal with on everyday basis. I am a humble person so I was told many of times. I am a giver, I will not send someone away hungry or thirsty. If I am able to help someone in need I will help. For years I been praying for a car so I save up every penny I make. My biggest fear I live with today would be living my dad's footsteps which I do not want to live the same pattern of mistakes as my parents. I have been out of the family photo since I was no higher than my daddy's knees and when my dad died I was seventeen years old, a teenage mother nowhere to turn too. My oldest siblings, brother and sister received a check for me monthly but they kicked me out in the streets and on the streets I had to learn to survive.

It wasn't until later in my Adult years that I found out that my father left a inheritance to the last two youngest children which was my younger sister who is the baby and me but we did not see not a red cent. A Montego MX, daddy's car he bought before he passed was suppose to pass down to me but because I was a miner it was sold by the oldest brother. I look at it, it just a material thing. I finally married the man who my children are too, and he beated me also and raped me. I assume it a man's thing to have control. I did not believe in divorces so for twelve years I lived in a life of fear a life of hell. I prayed for my husband and prayed for those twelve years for my husband's soul. On October 19, 1989, my husband gave his life to Christ. He was saved and got baptized. I look back on my life and all I had to adore as a child and in my teenage years and twelve years of my marriage I still believed with my heart God was with me.

Today, my husband and I attend church services and the man who raped and molested me at the age of six years old finally gave his life over to Christ. Family-Father and Mother, I love you. I love my family but they just could not love me. Although my earthly father could not be a father to me, I had a Heavenly Father who loved me and cared for me and comfort me and been there. Jesus is my best only friend I ever needed. I been bullied, abused and used, lived in a life surrounded by negative people and for the longest time  thought something was wrong with me that nobody liked or love me. Today, I still struggled and still have nobody to turn to accept God, I live with trust issues and build a wall up around me so  don't have to many friends. I also live with a fear growing close to people or I growing close to people for the afrad being hurt or I will mess up. Before the passing of my father, two weeks before he died I told my dad I was pregnant and his response was because  was still yet a juvenile and living at home my dad could make me abort my baby. Again God interceded because two weeks later after my father made that statement he died and never got the chance to meet his grandson.

Jesus is the True Vine and my Father in Heaven is the True Vine dresser. I so am in need of a car that runs and in good condition to where  don't have to put no major mechanical repairs spending money I do not have. God knows this and I am believing and trusting God will provide. He has been there and He will never leave or forsake me. I am still live outside of my family photo and stand outside of the family circle but that is okay, I accepted it and placed it in God's hands. I have a new family and that is my church family. I can more relate to animals than I can to human beings. This is me.

I sew and make some of my clothes and I love to sing songs of praises. Favorite songs are: Dear Mr. Jesus and Why Me!